“You can’t pour from an empty cup!” “Put your own oxygen mask on first!” We’ve all heard the self-care cliches. There’s a reason we repeat these well-worn phrases: They’re true. Yet, somehow, we lock these ideas up as intellectual aspirations and rarely act on them in real life. Consequently, we’re sucked dry and gasping for air – gridlocked in survival mode. Something needs to change. Fast.
For too long, the wealth management industry has sidelined the issue of advisor wellbeing. This oversight has been to the detriment of advisors, the firms they work for and their clientele alike. Everyone suffers when advisors are struggling. As workplace demands stack up and burnout runs rampant, we need to step back and ask: “Who helps the helpers? How can they learn to better help themselves?”
These questions drive me professionally and challenge me personally. People who help others professionally are notorious for not taking good care of themselves. It’s ironic, really.
My clients hold the futures of others in their hands. The financial advisors who work with me serve others tirelessly, ensuring their clients, employees and colleagues have what they need to succeed. They make and inform decisions that can alter life trajectories. Their conversations impact generations. It’s a weighty responsibility – there’s a lot on the line.
The process of talking with people about their money is emotional. Clients want answers and need reassurance on a regular basis. By the end of most days, most advisors are spent. Then, they go home and care for their families. After that, what’s left? Too often, very little (if anything at all).
A Familiar Story
It’s a familiar story. In my personal and professional life, I’ve seen it play out time and time again. Until this asymmetrical caring narrative is edited and rescripted, there won’t be a happy ending. People can get away with working on overdrive without sufficient recharge for a period of time, but sooner than later, something snaps. We’re poor predictors of precisely when this might happen, but usually, it’s slowly and then all at once.
What breaks? Health, relationships, reputations, families and careers – things of great consequence. As humans, none of us were wired to live indefinitely in flight-fight-freeze mode all of the time, but that’s how we’re choosing to run things. At this point, our amygdalas are tired. Our bodies are begging us to stop.
Many people in professional roles that improve others’ lives love their work. They’re good at what they do. They’ve intentionally chosen careers where they can have an impact. Taking care of others is rewarding. When we help, we feel useful. Appreciated. Sometimes, professionals devote themselves to providing others with what they never received, but deeply wanted and desperately needed, at a different stage in their own lives.
For many advisors, painful starts to their own money stories propelled them into their chosen careers. They work with purpose, for purpose, on purpose. Unfortunately, the way advisors operate is not always sustainable – unless they learn to invest in themselves first.
A Necessity
Self-care is not a nice-to-have for the modern advisor. It’s a necessity. Unfortunately, when we hear the term “self-care” we often picture manicures and massages. Those “solutions” to serious issues like burnout do nothing to move the dial on health or happiness. Attending to our wellbeing requires strength, guts and discipline – not a trip to the local strip mall.
Self-care, at its core, is self-preservation. It is a set of decisions and behaviors, not sporadic one-off events. Together, with consistency, these practices allow us to perform at our peak. Authentic self-care is upholding stalwart boundaries, communicating what we need and permitting ourselves to take it. It takes courage. Not infrequently, self-care involves hard conversations.
Self-care requires self-awareness. And vulnerability. A crucial component of self-care is letting other people come alongside and help us. Before that can happen, we need to invite them in. We’re not admirably self-sufficient when we insist on handling everything ourselves – we’re delusional and arrogant. Doctors need their own physicians. Psychologists go to therapy. We all benefit from having a trusted coach and guide.
Most people who are world-class at what they do have figured this out. They surround themselves with experts who can help them continually improve their performance. We all need people who can help us see our blind spots in order to more clearly understand how we are unwittingly getting in our own way. When we devote our days to lending our calm, and containing stress for others, we need someone to hold space for us, too.
A Gift To Everyone Who Matters
As a career caretaker myself, I’m a hypocrite if I don’t practice what I preach. My personal and professional success is largely contingent on my own wellbeing. If I don’t judiciously protect my energy, I risk phoning it in with my clients, husband and kids. They deserve better. So do I.
When I set my alarm and roll out of bed each morning to go to the gym, I’m doing it for all of us. Whenever I say no to a “good” opportunity that will take too much time, I give my future self a gift. I’m also doing a favor for those around me. I refuse to let people I love pay the tax for my poor choices. Caring well for them must start with me.
True self-care is difficult, but the stakes are high if we don’t take it seriously. When we don’t prioritize ourselves, we suffer and the people around us get shortchanged. If you’re serious about being your best, you can’t leave yourself with the leftovers and hope things work out. There’s too much on the line to gamble.
If the self-care struggle hits home, take heart. You’re not alone. Give yourself permission to do things differently. Move yourself up on your list, without guilt or apology. Self-care isn’t selfish – it’s a radical act of self-respect. And, as it conveniently turns out, it’s also a gift to everyone who matters to you.
Joy Lere, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and Co-Founder of Shaping Wealth.
